Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
