just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
