Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
