Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
