I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
