Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
