Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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