Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
