life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
