I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
