The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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