Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
