Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
