im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
