Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I deserve this hangover.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize