if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
