How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My balls are so social today.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
