it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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