We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
