Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
