Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
