did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
