If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
