Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
