I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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