My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
