There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
