Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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