I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
