I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
