Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
