TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
