It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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