this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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