Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
