is your mom at the bar?
wat bout pragnant strippers??
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
