it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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