Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
