is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
