There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
