Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
