i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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