Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
