taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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