Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
