getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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