I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He shit in the fireplace
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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