First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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