so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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