how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
