Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
